Liam Holyoak

This is where I write things.

Category: T Updates

Lessons from Lifting: Part 1

I only started lifting a little over two months ago. So the whole thing is very new to me. That being said I feel like I’ve already learned a lot of practical lessons that could be applied to many areas of my life. Here are a couple.

Failing: You’re going to fail. Somedays you just won’t be able to pull weight you normally do. It could be for myriad reasons. But you still have to show up. You have to put in your best effort. Even then you might fail. That’s okay. There’s always next time. And just because you failed doesn’t mean you wasted your time. You still got practice in and that will help you improve in the long run. I feel like this directly applies to writing as well. Most of the time I think what I write is dreadful, but I still post. I tell myself it’s good practice and I try again the next day.

Today I failed on every lift. It’s a Friday, my excuse was that I’m tired. But that brings me into my next point.

It’s a mind game: I went in today telling myself I was tired and was going to fail my lifts, and I did exactly that. Who knows what would have happened if I told myself I was tired, but I was going to succeed. Or that I was just going to go in and kick ass. I may not have failed. A lot of it is mental, of course you can’t mentally trick yourself into squatting 2X your bodyweight your first time in the gym. But, you can certainly fail from overthinking it.

Which rings true in many areas of life. If you go in with a shitty attitude, most likely that how things will end up. When you see everything through a negative lens, everything that happens is negative. This is a huge lesson I learned today, and I need to keep improving. Not only in the gym, but in all areas of my life.

No Zero Days

There’s this idea called ‘No Zero Days’, a few years ago someone posted on a subreddit called Get Disciplined, saying they were they didn’t care about themselves and couldn’t find a way to get themselves to do anything, there’s a lot more to it than that. Here’s a link to the post.

Someone responds explaining something that helped them. They call it No More Zero Days. A zero day is a day you do absolutely nothing, you don’t even get out of bed. At it’s very simplest you just have to do one thing to make it a non-zero days. When you are in the bouts of severe depression that’s a very tricky thing to do. But day by day as you get a little bit better at doing the everyday things they recommend the following guidelines. Exercise and books, forgiveness, and be grateful for the 3 you’s(present, past, and future).

I’ve always found the 3 you’s one to be the most difficult. Until recently I never pictured a future me. I mean an old me. It wasn’t a sad thing, it just seemed at some point I’d just disappear. I never pictured myself growing old. Since I started my medical transition I’ve found it a lot easier to look out for future me. Maybe I wasn’t ever able to picture it because I didn’t have a model for it. But now everyday this body of mine becomes a little bit more me and I want nothing more than to grow old in it. So I’m starting to look out for future me. I’m actually planning for a future. By taking care of myself now; mentally, physically, financially, creatively. It’s hard work. It’s not something I’ve spent much time focusing on until recently. But here goes, on the internet. I’m vowing to always look out for, and be grateful to the three me’s. Those people sure do matter a lot.

Two Month Update

It’s been two months. Two of the happiest months of my life, so far. Two months ago I walked out of my Doctors office with a prescription for Testosterone. Later that afternoon the nurse showed me how to measure out my correct dose and where to inject it. It’s been the fastest and slowest two months of my life. But I’ve never been happier. If you’re not sure what I’m talking about, here’s a quick rundown.

Hi, my name is Liam Holyoak. I am a transgender individual. I identify as trans-masculine. I use he/him or they/them pronouns. Here is a little two months on T update.

The majority of changes I have noticed have been mental and emotional. My moods have been way more even in the last two months, by no means am I perfect but I don’t cry near as often, and I haven’t had as many bad days. I can’t give all the credit to T though. I have been working out frequently, and I meditate regularly. Both of those things could contribute to the regular moods, which I am grateful for. I had been worried about turning into a major grump and that has not happened. Physically there have been a lot of small changes. I sleep constantly, I am always tired. I could fall asleep at any moment. I have very small mustache hairs sprouting, my voice has changed a little bit, and I have some new hairs on my stomach. That’s pretty much all the physical changes I have noticed. The journey has definitely been slow. But I know I am headed in the right direction, every morning I am more excited to look at myself in the mirror. More excited to notice the changes. More excited to be alive.

I am also incredibly grateful. The majority of the people in my life have been incredibly supportive. They call me by the correct name, and use the correct pronouns. It has been amazing. I am constantly overwhelmed with gratitude for these people in my life. My parents are still having a hard time with everything, but I hope they can come around soon. I feel like they are missing this huge part of my life, they are missing me at my best. But only time will tell as far as that goes. I am being patient. I am being patient with myself, and them. Things are happening very slowly, but they are happening.

I can’t wait to see what happens next. I’ll keep you updated.

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