I’m not sure when exactly this happened. At a certain point in the not so distant past I decided that I didn’t need anyone. It wasn’t a conscious decision and I don’t quite remember what events caused it but I’ve been riding the independence train for a while now. Seeing a reliance on other humans as some form of weakness. I’m not really sure why that happened. Maybe it was because of the ending of an unhealthy relationship. Or maybe I’ve just told myself that that’s what happens as you get older. You have to stop relying on other people. I think I’ve been so scared of codependency I ran in the complete opposite direction. Swearing off any sort of feelings for people.
Something has changed recently though. Slowly, but surely. I have realized that humans can be pretty incredible. Getting to know someone new can be daunting, but amazing. Being around friends doesn’t have to be a form of procrastination, it can just be fun. I’m allowing myself to be present when I am around people, and really just enjoy them. I’m learning to let go, embrace the fear that comes from being vulnerable. Friendships, relationships, and interactions with people can be beautiful, awkward, and rewarding. Sometimes, I just have to get out of my head and see them that way.