Liam Holyoak

This is where I write things.

Month: June 2017

Two Month Update

It’s been two months. Two of the happiest months of my life, so far. Two months ago I walked out of my Doctors office with a prescription for Testosterone. Later that afternoon the nurse showed me how to measure out my correct dose and where to inject it. It’s been the fastest and slowest two months of my life. But I’ve never been happier. If you’re not sure what I’m talking about, here’s a quick rundown.

Hi, my name is Liam Holyoak. I am a transgender individual. I identify as trans-masculine. I use he/him or they/them pronouns. Here is a little two months on T update.

The majority of changes I have noticed have been mental and emotional. My moods have been way more even in the last two months, by no means am I perfect but I don’t cry near as often, and I haven’t had as many bad days. I can’t give all the credit to T though. I have been working out frequently, and I meditate regularly. Both of those things could contribute to the regular moods, which I am grateful for. I had been worried about turning into a major grump and that has not happened. Physically there have been a lot of small changes. I sleep constantly, I am always tired. I could fall asleep at any moment. I have very small mustache hairs sprouting, my voice has changed a little bit, and I have some new hairs on my stomach. That’s pretty much all the physical changes I have noticed. The journey has definitely been slow. But I know I am headed in the right direction, every morning I am more excited to look at myself in the mirror. More excited to notice the changes. More excited to be alive.

I am also incredibly grateful. The majority of the people in my life have been incredibly supportive. They call me by the correct name, and use the correct pronouns. It has been amazing. I am constantly overwhelmed with gratitude for these people in my life. My parents are still having a hard time with everything, but I hope they can come around soon. I feel like they are missing this huge part of my life, they are missing me at my best. But only time will tell as far as that goes. I am being patient. I am being patient with myself, and them. Things are happening very slowly, but they are happening.

I can’t wait to see what happens next. I’ll keep you updated.

Doing Hard Things

It’s really easy to be lazy. To sleep in, binge watch TV, take shortcuts. But I’m learning that there is power in doing the opposite. There is power in doing the hard things. In putting in work. It sure as hell isn’t easy. Every morning getting out of bed early is a struggle. Most days I want to hit snooze ten times, and some days I do. Some days I don’t get up in time to go to the gym, to go for a run, to meditate. Some days I don’t do hard things. I take the easy way. It’s still a good day. But it’s not near as good as the days I push myself. The days where I wake up before the sun is even thinking about rising. The days I put in the work are the hardest days. But they are the best days. Doing the hard thing is never easy, but if you do it every day it’s gets a little easier. And it never stops being rewarding.

It’s in your Choices.

     They say that there is one main desire we have in life: freedom, fame, or fortune. I’ve always wanted freedom. Above all else that’s what I desire. So that’s what I have been working towards. Freedom. Which in the past looked like spending my days working for myself, doing what I wanted to do when and where I wanted to do it. But I had a realization this morning. There is a book called “The Daily Stoic.” I read a page every morning. It has a meditation for everyday of the year. This morning the quote was by Marcus Aurelius:

“You could enjoy this very moment all the things you are praying to reach by taking the long way around–if you’d stop depriving yourself of them.”

     What he’s saying is it’s in your choices. You could have all the things you desire right in those moment. By choosing them. I’ve always said that happiness is a choice, and I believe that. But I never thought that way until about freedom. But I do now, I am free because I choose to be. I can focus on the way that I am free, and in turn more freedom will come. I guess I’ve finally gotten what I’ve always wanted. Now I’ll just have to keep reminding myself.

Powered by WordPress & Theme by Anders Norén